The night between 23rd September 2007 and 24th September 2007.

I had a weird dream on that night.

I was interning in the department of obstetrics and gynaecology. I had been late to the OT and to my bad luck our HOD had noticed that, lest I was prepared to give him a lame excuse. I cursed my stars and went ahead to the changing room of the Operation Theatre complex. My HOD scolded me and asked me not to enter the OT and that necessary action would be taken later that day. I was just sitting blank in the changing room when a professor entered. He appeared to be in his sixties and measured just three inches above five foot in height. His fingers had gross deformities and I assumed he must be having Rheumatoid Arthritis and wondered how he could perform gynaecological surgeries with such deformities. Strange! I cannot associate this character with any of my real life professors. Yet, he appeared to be very brainy.

As he changed, he asked me, “So, you are good at mathematics?”

I was hiding my ignominious face and so, I just nodded in silence and tried to avoid any eye contact with him. “Then, tell me, what is Cancer in terms of mathematics?”

I was surprised at his question and reflexly looked at him. “What? In terms of Mathematics?” I retorted interrogatively. He nodded and continued, “Yes. How do you explain the growth of cancerous cells and their ability to spread to different body parts, in terms of mathematics?”

“Hmmm… sir,” I appreciated his ability to bridge two entirely different subjects and continued unconsciously. “I think, you can compare it with … factorisation of an irrational number… I mean, just the way, it goes on endlessly…”

“Wow, very good thinking! Come on, change your dress and get into the OT,” he appreciated me and disappeared into one of the theatres, leaving me perplexed in the changing room!

I was even more perplexed when I woke up and tried to interpret it. I could associate only a few components of that dream with my daily events. Earlier that day, I was watching a documentary on Discovery Channel about ‘Greatest Discoveries in Chemistry.’ One of the discoveries that the documentary featured was, the chemical structure of Benzene and how Kekulé arrived at it by interpreting his dream of a serpent trying to catch its own tail. The incident had inspired me to take a rather different approach if I think of making a progress in therapeutic Oncology (that’s my long term career goal and I think about it very often). And later that evening, I was discussing with my brother the achievements of one of my friend. He had put up in his website the methods of factorising a number which is nearly 50 or 100 digits long!

Wow… but how can I associate these two things and subsequently both of them with my dream? It is there that I lost the link and hence decided to blog it and let you people do it for me. It has been more than six years since I last did some serious mathematics and now I don’t even remember what is an irrational number, let alone whether it can be factorised or not. It was actually my dream and I pardon myself even if the whole concept of factorisation of an irrational number is mathematically vulgar!

Happiness - continued

Shortly after I wrote on Happiness, I happen to read a related article in a newspaper ('Vijaya Karnataka'). If any of you remember the author, let me know, I forgot his name.

Anyways, the article focussed on a survey by a London-based psychology team and it was termed World Happiness Survey. The study found that Nigeria was the happiest country in the world. The third world countries like Bangladesh, Ivory Coast and developing countries like India were happier as opposed to the 'Developed' countries like US, UK, Russia and others. If you are surprised at this result then sit back and think again, 'Can money buy happiness?'

The article (not the study) has given some illustrations to ponder over. One such example was the life of a hotelier. There was a waiter in a tourist hotel in Uttar Pradesh, India. He was earning a very meager salary though he was a hard worker. He was greatly dependent on the tips the visitors gave him. But he had a dream to own a big hotel someday. And it so happened that the owner of the hotel was about leave the city permanently and put his property on sale. The waiter approached him with the small amount of money he had saved and his wife's ornaments. Clearly the amount no way came close to the property he wished to buy. But the hotelier had belief in him and asked him to pay the remaining amount in installments. He took special interest in the management of his new hotel and raised the profit bars month after month. He finally owned it! But that wasn't all he had dreamed. His hard work made him move closer to his dream and he established The Oberoi group of Hotels.

He was not only a big name in the hotelier's list but also was addressed many a times as the most successful person. His assets were sky high and he was a powerful personality. But he had lost son in an accident; divorce cases, ill health and many other problems were left unsolved in his personal life. He wasn't happy at all. When asked about it he had replied, "The happiest moments in my life were the days when I was a waiter in a small hotel." After all, what is the use of so much of wealth, power and fame when you are not HAPPY?

We see happiness in a horse called money and run behind it until we realize that the horse is actually an illusion. But in the bargain, we would have lost some costly things in life - family life, kids, friends, social and religious life. And it is difficult to gain them back because your Money cannot buy you Family, Kids... Ever wondered why is it so? Allan Watts puts it very deftly - "Happiness is not a result to be attained through action, but a fact to be realized through Knowledge. The sphere of action is to express it, not to gain it." Life gives each one of us some pleasurable moments and some painful moments. It's not a matter of how many pleasurable moments you had against those painful. It is how you react to them. Such things are better dealt with when you have a sound family, friends, social and religious life. How far can you expect money to help you at those times?

So, it makes me feel happy when I can sleep peacefully for 6 hours a day (and many other apparent small things) because I have something which a millionaire may not be having! Doesn't it make you happy too? Just as we compare ourselves with others in terms of money and assets, why can't we compare ourselves in terms of Happiness? Think about it. You can express the answer!

Doctors, Media and Advertisement

“Cough – not a disease; an indicator of disease” by Dr. Ravindra A. S., Mobile no. blablabla ‘Prajawani,’ June 2^nd, 2007 issue.

It was printed in this article that IgG Test is very effective in diagnosing Tuberculosis. IgG is a class of antibody. There are variants in it which are specific to a disease. I wanted to know which IgG variant was effective in diagnosing Tuberculosis. I called up the author and spoke to him. I asked him which antigen that IgG was targeted to and how efficient it was. He said, “Even I don’t know. Inquire it in the laboratory. I had sent a patient whose all investigations were normal. Only IgG could identify it as Tuberculosis.” That could have been a fluke. Or the guy must have had the infection long back and must have gotten well with it. Can it be because of the BCG vaccine that was given to him in his childhood? Or who knows, that guy might not be having tuberculosis but some other chronic granulomatous pathology, in which case the test would be false positive. There are many things that have to be tested before certifying a diagnostic tool. When asked about the details of the investigation, he said he was not a technician but a doctor.

Even I am a doctor. To diagnose infections and other diseases, it’s common to send laboratory investigations. But which investigation to be done, which one should not be, which one would give accurate diagnosis - is not the work of a laboratory technician. It’s entirely reserved to the physician’s decision. Whichever investigation it may be, it should only help the physician to arrive at a diagnosis and should not make a diagnosis by itself.

I’ve been doing research since three years on the efficacy of these blood tests (serodiagnosis) in diagnosing Tuberculosis. I’ve examined and studied more than 300 patients in detail. I’ve classified them as tuberculosis of lung, of abdomen, of nervous system and many other types and tried to study the efficacy of these blood tests in all these sub-types. I’ve read about IgG, IgM and their sub-types from more than 10 text-books, more than 50 Scientific Journals and innumerable Websites. What I’ve learnt from my experience and from the experience of other experts in this field is that no single IgG or IgM is till now found to be significantly effective in diagnosing this disease. “You can do research for 10 years, I don’t care. It’s the work of a technician and not a doctor,” he said. I cannot describe you my feelings when I got such a response from him. It was like telling a physicist, who is involved in years of research on superconductors, that my technician has discovered a superconductor and you don't know about it!? With words, can you describe how much will he be annoyed?

Well, when you don’t know something, it’s a crime to even comment about it, let alone publishing it in newspapers, I believe. Writing a scientific article is very much different from writing personal views or opinions or experiences because, as Karl Pearson says, “The classification of facts, the recognition of their sequence and relative significance is the function of science, and the habit of forming a judgment upon these facts unbiased by personal feeling is characteristic of what may be termed the scientific frame of mind.”

Should the author have any such authentic information on the efficacy of that IgG test, let him publish it in a scientific journal. Let the world of science also know about the technology and appreciate the author. Why should he write it for a newspaper, get his mobile number printed in it and advertise himself?

And now, coming to the journalism. As the competition goes on increasing, our Editors begin to publish unnecessary details for a common man. I can write endlessly for a newspaper on such topics, if you want. Instead nutritious diet, personal and environmental hygiene, immunization against infectious diseases, scientific logic to drive away the superstitious beliefs - put in a simple language that evokes awareness among common men – that should be the aim of publishing health-related articles,; not an article that includes unnecessary details (that too wrongly printed) just to make the newspaper look more colorful and voluminous than the others. Instead of publishing such a debatable article, if you were to create awareness among the public regarding personal and environmental hygiene, will not an appalling disease like Tuberculosis be contained to a certain extent at least? Give it a thought.

Why do we live just for a day?

Suddenly the world has become totally dark. I am not able to see anything. I guess I will never be able to see again. I will never be able to speak or listen again. I can no longer move my limbs. I know I just have a few hours to live. And all I can do in these last few hours of my life is, ‘think’. I cannot act. My time is over…

I am not a great man. I just lived like a common man and I am dying like one. It is therefore immaterial as to where I was born or where I lived or for that matter, even where I am dying.

I could not have behaved in any other way than how I did when I was a kid. It was largely uneventful. Perhaps no other phase in my life was as happy as that. “Happiness is nothing but a good health and a bad memory.” And when I was a kid, I had both – a good health (thanks to my parents) and a bad memory!

The only thing that bothered me as I grew up was my school. As my ‘bad’ memory started improving, I was reminded of the painful punishments I received for having not completed my assignments in time.

With the improvement in memory, intelligence developed. Call it creativity or whatever; I began to think vividly on a number of other ways to do a thing rather than just going by instincts.

From somewhere sprung an awareness of ‘I’ – a sense of ego, that took the command over my thinking. I was totally unaware of my instincts being faded away insidiously. And I called myself a ‘Grown up.’

Whenever I chose a wrong way to do a thing, my conscience warned me. But I neglected it a few times and after some time it never came my way.

With practically no resistance from anyone, I began doing things which would fascinate a teenage mind. Fast-moving life and things which are pleasant - irrespective of whether they are beneficent or not, enticed me. I never thought of the future. I just lived for that particular day as if that was the last day of my life. Had I known that the last day would be so very painful, I would have acted otherwise.

I continued to act the same way even after my teenage. I fought with my mother for not giving me any present on my birthday. I had forgotten all the long years of her love and care. I just wanted her to show her love for me on that particular day. Why did I live just for that day?

I remember having picked up a quarrel with my father for not getting me a sports bike on my graduation day as he promised. I had said, “You don’t love me, dad,” forgetting all the things he had given me till then. Because on that particular day, to me the sports bike was worth more than the priceless love and affection he had for me. Why did I live just for that day?

Ever since I was a kid, I was greatly quixotic as to what profession to choose. A few historical personalities had influenced my mind and I wanted to become like them. But that needed a lot of sacrifices. I started becoming pragmatic because I wanted to live just for those days.

Living just for a day began so much a part of me that I started celebrating things for just one day without having truly lived the occasion or the reason behind it. I was celebrating my birthday every year inviting a lot of friends for the party. I had always invited my best friend specially for the occasion but he never made his presence there. I knew the reason. He did not like the company of friends I was keeping and the things we did there. He tried to dissuade me from their company many a times but the lifestyle had so much entrenched my mind that I seldom listened to him. Not just that, I also fought with him for not making it to those occasions. To me, my birth-day was more important than the countless number of days he had stood by me. From that day onwards we never met. Nor we spoke. Why did I live just for that day?

I never forgot to celebrate the birthdays and wedding anniversary of my parents. I used to bring them lots of presents and greeting cards and celebrated those days with grandiosity. I never realized that my presence, love and support were worth more than those things for them. Which is why I parted ways with them and left them alone in their last days of life? Those differences of opinions are bound to occur owing to the generation gap. But all I thought on that day was I was strong enough to live independently. Why did I live just for that day?

It is probably the same reason why I was not all that happy with my spouse and kids. I bought them expensive gifts and articles thinking that the prices of those articles were a direct measure of my love for them. Their lives would have been much better if I were to give them the gift of time. The true measure of your love is the amount of your precious time you devote for a thing. I realized it quite late when they started misinterpreting my advices. By the time you realize what your father said was right, you will have a son who always thinks you are wrong!

Not that I never made an attempt to correct myself, but truly they too lasted just for a day. I continued the tradition of my family in performing rituals annually on different occasions. I made use of those occasions to make resolutions and come up once again. But again, those occasions were more important to me than every day. So, I followed them only on those days. Why did I live just for that day?

I saw the effects of whatever I did in the last few days of my life. I lost my health and I was bedridden. I lost my best friend and his companionship. I lived with the guilt of having not stood by my parents when they needed me most. My spouse and my kids are yet to realize like what I am feeling right now because they are living just for today.

I don’t want them to suffer like me. I want to tell them all those things. But will they listen to me now? Rather can I speak now? Let alone speak, I cannot even think anymore. My time… is… over…

Happiness

“What is happiness? How to get happiness? ”

I remember having asked this question to one of my Swamijis during my PUC days. He had said that the question was as old as the Mankind itself. The question has appealed to many thinkers worldwide. Different thinkers have interpreted it at different times, in different ways. But amongst such myriad thoughts, they share a common one – True happiness lies in realizing God.

Thus, with the birth of religions, different paths have been laid down to realize God and hence attain Happiness. Hinduism has given us four paths – Jnana yoga, Bhakti yoga, Karma yoga and Raja yoga. And the Upanishads declare, “Anandam Brahmeti” - Happiness is God. Whatever it is, I would like to share some of my practical experiences in this regard.

I remember what my Swamiji had finally answered. “Desirelessness leads to Happiness.” On a casual approach, one can say, it’s just the opposite of what Buddha had said. But the interpretation is different. Let us say, while walking on a road I see an ice-cream parlour. A desire generates in me to eat an ice-cream. I cannot be happy at this point. But if I step in and eat an ice-cream or two, I will be happy. It is because, desire to eat an ice-cream no longer exists.

This made me to imagine a world where there are no desires. And to my surprise I did not find any happiness. I was studying, but there was no desire to score well. I was working, but there was no desire for the fruit. There was no quality in my work and so there was no happiness. I found out that desire was the motivation behind my work.

Quite paradoxical, isn’t it? At one point of time I said desirelessness leads to happiness. And now I say desire leads to. Rather life’s like that – a paradox. Those of us, who have learnt elementary physics, will be familiar with an entity called Friction. Desire too, is like friction, a necessary evil.

I think I am clear, why desire is necessary. Let me tell you why it is an evil. The Sankhyayoga of the Bhagavadgita explains us better.

Dhyaayato vishayaan pumsah sangasteshoopajaayate
Sangaat sanjaayate kaamah kaamaat krodhobhijaayate
Krodhaadbhavati sammohah sammohaat smrutivibhramah
Smrutirbhramshaad buddhinaasho buddhinaashaat pranashyati

“When we try to acquire any worldly object, we develop an attachment towards them. Attachment leads to desire and desire leads to anger. Anger results in delusion and delusion causes loss of memory. Loss of memory halts the intellect and when intellect fails, his personality fades out.”

So, now the question arises, how to strike this perfect balance between desire and desirelessness. Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa gave us a beautiful fable to illustrate this. In our lives, we should be like a maidservant in the house of a rich man. She loves his children very much and takes care of them very much. But she never develops any desire for them because, deep in her heart, she knows that they are not her children. We too, can stay close with the worldly things and yet be detached, if only we can understand that, in reality, we own nothing!

It needs a lot of practice to get this detachment. The best is to offer it to God, said a learned speaker whom I happened to listen to, a few years ago. He illustrated this by quoting the example of an athlete, who said that the gold medal he won, truly belonged to everyone present there. He could not have won it, if the organisers were not to organise the event. He could not have won it, if it were not for the umpires and linesmen who did their duty. He could not have won it, if there were no competitors and spectators. Therefore, everyone deserved it and so he offered it to the almighty God. Is it not true, in every walk of our lives?

If this example helps us to deal with successes, the following story from the Panchatantra helps us deal with failures. After all, that’s what life is all about – a bundle of successes and failures. The story revolves round a poor weaver, who did not succeed even though he worked hard. So, he decides to go to a city to try his luck. His wife is of the opinion that, if at all it was his fate to become rich; he should have grown richer in the very village he resided, like other rich weavers. The weaver justifies his decision by saying:

Udyoginam purushasimhamupyti laksmeeh
Daivena deyamiti kaapurushaa vadanti
Daivam nihatya kuru pourushamaatmashaktyaa
Yatne krute yadi na siddhyati kotra doshah

“Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, adores him who is brave and hard-working. Wealth is a god’s boon, says a man who is lazy. Set aside the fate and try hard. What’s wrong in giving it a try, even if you don’t succeed inspite of the best of the efforts?”

The weaver starts doing well in the city. But on his way back, he gets robbed. He realizes that he did not deserve the richness. But, instead of cursing his bad luck, he continues to be happy for having tried it. Because, happiness lies in hard work, not in the results.

When I scored 100 out of 100 in mathematics, the hard work behind it gave me more happiness than the results. My teacher used to say that, even without hard work, one can score 100% by malpractice. But that gives him more guilt than happiness.

When I participated in the instrumental music competition at the University level, I knew I wasn’t a contender for any prize. And I did not get one. But I found happiness in the way of my struggle to practise and perform better. Success and failure are for others. What counts for the self, is contentment.

To conclude, I believe that, one can obtain knowledge, detachment, desirelessness and thus happiness, by being in the company of good friends, teachers, elders and good books. And, I have tried to answer this age old question, in my own way. Its like, as the great poet Kalidasa says, trying to cross a mighty ocean in a small boat of our intellect. I would be happy, even if it fails to travel any distance!